I have often struggled with the concept of Forgiveness. Although I know it is critical to the development of my healing-Self, it has been something that I’ve only dabbled-in briefly or put-off entirely. Perhaps I’ll get to Forgiveness one-day, I’ve often thought, as though it was not yet attainable to me.
I have been aware of a Third Energy Centre or Solar Chakra imbalance lately. It has been manifesting as an attraction-aversion to the colour yellow, the desire to sleep on my stomach – which I find most uncomfortable – and sharp, intermittent pain in my abdomen.
When I meditated yesterday and visualized my Third Energy Centre, the image that came to mind was disgusting yellow worms. I have often struggled with this energy centre of Confidence and was not at all surprised to find a serious imbalance. As I have done with other imbalances, I attempted to send healing yellow energy to my abdomen. Instead of balancing this energy centre, however, the worms seemed only to feed off it and multiply.
Disturbed and discouraged by this meditation experience, I decided to focus my energy away from my abdomen and on my complimentary Sixth Energy Centre or Third-Eye Chakra instead. I tried to send its purple healing light down to my abdomen, but couldn’t seem to create a strong enough visualization. I decided to end my meditation by asking for Guidance and Light to balance my energy.
After another night of sleeping on my stomach, I made another meditation attempt this morning. While I’d been doing a little yoga beforehand, I remembered that my Gramma Slater had dewormed my siblings and I as children, with some terrible tasting homeopathic concoction of hers. I decided to call-on her Energy, since she’s been gone for fifteen years or so now, to help me with my wormy Solar Chakra.
I focused my Energy on my Third Energy Centre and I tried to call-on my Gramma Slater, but was unable to focus clearly on her Energy. She was there, but seemed to be with another familiar Energy. I was suddenly aware of the Energy of my paternal Grandmother, who’d recently passed and whom I’d long held resentment for. She seemed to want to be the one to help me with my Energy imbalance and my Gramma Slater seemed to want me to let her.
The words, I’m sorry Angie, began repeating in my mind, so clearly in my paternal Grandmother’s voice, that it was as if she were right there with me. My first reaction to these words was anger. How can I forgive the matriarch of my childhood family for not protecting her children and grandchildren from darkness?, I asked in thought; A woman that prided herself on the Light of her church!, I mocked. Despite my muffled mess of angry thoughts, my paternal Grandmother’s Energy remained patient and clear, I’m so sorry Angie, is all she seemed to want to say…
Overwhelmed with the resentment I’d felt for my paternal Grandmother, I could not bring myself to accept her energetic apology. Instead, I appealed to my Gramma Slater, Please make these worms go away Gramma!, I thought pleadingly. All the negative emotion I was now feeling had really stirred up my Third Energy Centre and it now seemed to be crawling with oozing, mustard-yellow worms. I felt nauseated and dizzy. Just deworm me like you used to when I was little Gramma!“, I begged. Finally, to my relief, my Gramma Slater’s Energy became very strong and clear. She seemed to embrace me with her wise purple Light. You must rid yourself of your own worms now, she seemed to say; Each worm you feed with resentment, represents a person you must Forgive, she explained.
Later that day, I went for a brisk walk. I try to get out for a walk most days, even if its only for fifteen minutes. Besides keeping my body healthy, it seems to also keep my mind fresh and my spirit connected. I often find my Higher Self waiting to walk with me. My walks are seldom lonely and always insightful.
As I reflected on my earlier meditation with my Grandmothers, I thought about what it would mean to Forgive someone and rid myself of their resentment worm. I thought of my paternal grandmother and about Forgiving her. What would it mean to Forgive her?, I thought; What is Forgiveness exactly? My Higher Self, as always, was ready with the Answer, when I found the right Question…
Forgiveness is accepting that someone did the best they could, my Higher Self seemed to state; It is not to say that what they did or didn’t do, wasn’t wrong or hurtful, but just to accept that it was all they were capable of at the time – no more and no less. All at once, I finally understood. I now had no choice but to begin to Forgive and slowly, one by one, my worms would begin to die. I thought about all the people who might feel that they need to Forgive me… I felt humbled, but hopeful as tears filled my eyes.
For the remainder of my walk, I chose to remember the nice things about my paternal Grandmother – the New Year’s Eve Sleepovers, the Church Bazaars, the Birthday cards, and the hand-knit dolls… I no longer felt angry with her. When I got home, I pulled out one of the many cookbooks she’d given me over the years. My son’s first birthday was next week and I had remembered a very special cake recipe that my paternal Grandmother had often made for her many grandchildren and great-grandchildren – ironically it was called “Dirt Cake”, gummy worms and all!
I Forgive you Gramma and thank you for teaching me about Forgiveness.
~ Always, Angie ~ xoxo.